28 Aug To Youth Interested in Anthroposophy

Dear Anthroposophical Youth,

I wanted to share my experience with anthroposophy. Throughout my life I found it difficult to orient myself in the world. I felt lost on the sea of opinions never being able to stand on stable ground. It was difficult to cultivate my own opinions while I flitted from one place to another. I wasn’t sure I was capable of having my own thoughts without risking echoing somebody else’s. I was scared of my thoughts. I didn’t understand what the point of humanity was. How could God have created this world? Was there a God? Or had we humans only come into being by a series of fortunate events. If we were the by product of chance, then did life have any meaning?

The faith I had in the world throughout my childhood wavered. The plants and trees no longer spoke. Colors lost their lustre, not as bright as they had once been. Before, Beauty greeted me every morning and I basked in her warmth. Every step had been an adventure, the flowers on the paths shining gems. I felt I had all the riches of the world, I could reach out and pluck the stars from the heavens and hold them in my hands. I never felt alone, I had the universe.

One day quietly and without notice. The birds no longer sounded as sweet. I could still see, but sight had lost the warm glow of my memories. For the first time I felt alone. I was haunted by the thought of Earth as a tiny speck consumed in eternal dark. If the world ended, what would be left? Nothing. Nothing upon nothing in an endless expanse. The End. Was this what growing up was? Had I been blind, trapped in a naive childish fantasy?

I fought a war within myself, I could sense I had lost something, the bubble of childhood had shattered. I was surrounded by the chatter and activity of life and yet I felt no connection. Part of me was desperate to grasp onto what I had felt as a child, desperate to find that again. But, I couldn’t. I felt that life had betrayed me, left me to fend for myself in an unfamiliar place. I was searching for meaning, for purpose any semblance of it I chased it with the vigour of a man in the desert who could see the salvation of an oasis. How I tried to reach it only to find a mirage. I could not find sense in the world so I withdrew from it, I grew a shield of apathy so deep I forgot how to speak. My emotions raged but could find no release. I felt persecuted by my thoughts so, I hid.

I say all this, not to dwell on the negativity but to explain how I felt.

I grew up knowing about anthroposophy, my mother is an anthroposophist. I went to a Waldorf school and attended the Christian Community. None of this changed the fact that I had no interest in anthroposophy, the very word would send me running. I enjoyed living under a rock. Yet, it’s not a sustainable way of living, one day I had to emerge from beneath it. One day when I was twenty it occurred to me that I had spent my whole life disliking something I didn’tunderstand. How could I dislike something if I didn’t understand what it was I hate dislike? Slowly, I began to engage with anthroposophy, joined an anthroposophical study group, went to a conference, read Steiner. Then I had the opportunity to go to Switzerland to a one year fulltime Introduction to Anthroposophy Training for young people, in Aesch, created and coordinated by Daniel Hafner, not to be confused with the program offered by the Goetheanum.

The training helped me discover the world anew.

I remember one of the first things we learned was Goethe’s colour theory. We did an experiment with prisms where we looked at black and white images. We were able to observe that when white met black, yellowish red colours would appear on the border and when black met white, a bluish violet would appear. This was interesting to me because it could also be observed with a sunset and sunrise. When the light of the sun disappears beyond the horizon and the night encroaches we can see the warm colours of the sunset. The light is darkening as the sun disappears and with the haze of the atmosphere yellows, oranges, and reds become visible. In the day as the sun rises and illuminates the darkness of space through the hazy medium of the atmosphere, blue appears. We can see that yellow arises as light approaches darkness and blue arises as darkness approaches light. This is not something that is usually taught. In schools colour is simply a wavelength, a nanometre, a number. Can a number encompass what colour is? It seems clinical to explain colour by the way light refracts differently. I experience and perceive colour and yet I never felt truly connected to it until I approached it through its phenomena and not the abstractness of wavelength. It seems to me that sometimes modern science dissects its subjects, breaks everything down until the connection to a living whole is lost. It’s difficult to understand life when you only study its corpse.

Daniel’s course offered me a new way to experience and observe, it helped me connect to the world around me. To see the big picture and not experience the world in fleeting discordant pictures. I began to see everything around me was interconnected and held meaning. Even the smallest of plant followed a natural lawfulness, had an archetypal phenomenon, a truth. How beautifully created the world was.

I found that everything we did in the training strengthened my thinking and willing and brought harmony to my feelings. Every day we started by gardening, this by itself is already an exercise in will. At least it was for me; I don’t like gardening or mornings. Starting the day with a strong act of will allowed me to properly incarnate in my body and let that momentum carry throughout the day. The artistic activities such as eurythmy, painting, speech therapy, singing, that we did on a weekly basis were very therapeutic for me. I felt that I was participating in a living experience that had meaning. Not merely art for arts sake, but honouring the beings that make true art possible. An entire world of art opened up to me. I fell in love with painting again.

Every day we studied Steiner, practiced and learned projective morphology. Every week or every two weeks during the afternoons, we learned about a field in anthroposophy from a newteacher, or on rare occasions, from Daniel. Some of the subjects we had were watercolour painting based on Gerard Wagner’s school, tone and speech eurythmy, the history of art as the evolution of consciousness, Werbek singing, medicine, biodynamic agriculture, geology, botany, social threefolding and many more interesting subjects.

It was such a fantastic year!

I will forever be grateful I could attend. I wouldn’t have been able to without Daniel’s flexibility in allowing me to make a financial contribution when I could, ensuring that financial difficulties were not an obstacle to attending the program. In this regard I want to thank the Anthroposophical Society of Canada for the donation they gave me in support of my studies. This type of education for young people is unique and is very hard to find in today’s world, and I believe that everyone, especially youth could benefit from the perspective and growth that the program allows. It showed me that a completely different approach to education is possible, one that not only imparts knowledge but enlivens the soul and spirit.

I would love to get in contact with other young people interested in anthroposophy. After having the opportunity to study and live with anthroposophists my age I gained an appreciation for the importance of having a community of like minded individuals who were interested in living in the spirit of anthroposophy. It would be nice for young anthroposophists here in Canada to have a community where we can learn and cultivate fruitful relationships. Together it is easier to face our changing times and help answer the question of how we can help the world.

Clotilde Citlali

If you would like, you can find more information about the course here: https://www.anthroposophieschule.org/ Please feel free to support this wonderful program. If anyone is interesting in contacting me for more information about the course or to connect I can be reached at: clotildecitlali@proton.me