Obituary – Mary Carmack Whybray, May 25, 1923 – Oct 19, 2017

18 Nov Obituary – Mary Carmack Whybray, May 25, 1923 – Oct 19, 2017

Mary at her 90th birthday 23 May 2013!

Mary Carmack Whybray was born in Basingstoke Hampshire, England 23/05/1923. The middle child of Robert and Alberta Jane Dudman, she received her early education in the county that she so much loved, frequently at the place of her mother’s home West Mill, Wherwell on the banks of the river Test, where she delighted in the countryside and especially in the river itself. With her education completed in 1948 Mary went to work in East London at the Parish of Saint Georges in the East, Stepney, also teaching at a London County Council School mainly with children coming from abroad where her interest in children with learning difficulties became strongly developed.

In 1956 she married a musician and composer from Canada, Murray Shaw Carmack and with him went to Vancouver. From that time onwards her life was divided between the two countries. Both her daughters Catherine and Elizabeth were born in England, but were also Canadian citizens. After twenty years she was divorced from Murray and in 1978 came from the school in Vancouver where she had set up the Special Needs Program to an exchange position for one year to work at the Bradford Child Guidance Clinic. This work came just at the time when parliament in Britain was passing laws to enable students with various difficulties to continue their education at sixteen plus and led to an appointment for Mary as Senior Lecturer in Special Educational Needs in North Humberside.

Shortly prior to this she had met again an old friend from the past Norman Whybray Professor of Old Testament and Hebrew at Hull University and they were married in May 1979. Leading Mary into a serious interest in the Old Testament attending the Society of Old Testament Scholarship (SOTS) meetings in Britain and abroad, Mary helped to proof read the books that Norman wrote on the subject. They retired to Ely Cambridge in 1982, where Mary helped at the newly set up Sue Ryder home for physically handicapped and terminally ill people until after the death of her stepson Peter in 1990. In 1998 Norman died suddenly of a heart attack while they were away from home. Mary was also predeceased by her elder daughter Catherine Carmack in 2003. Catherine was a professional cellist who lived and taught music in Vancouver.

During the last six weeks of Mary’s life, I slept at the nursing home in Mary’s room. Mary died peacefully on Thursday 19 October at 11:10am in the presence of her friend Angela Dutson and myself. Mary’s friends had continued to visit her right up until the very end. During the last days and weeks of her life I tried to create a continual presence so she knew she was not alone. Mary did not want to die alone, but realised I might not be able to be with her. On Thursday Angela arrived at 10:30am as usual and was quietly reading to Mary. I unexpectedly dropped by at 11:05am. I was in the habit of leaving the nursing home at 7:00am or 9:00am going home to prepare for my working day. When possible I dropped by on Mary throughout the day in-between teaching and work commitments. I was in the habit of returning to the nursing home not quite knowing whether I would find Mary alive on my return. On this occasion I quickly glanced at the nurse and passed the carer in the hallway. They indicated that Mary was still alive. When I arrived, Angela was sitting beside the bed quietly reading to Mary. I breathed a sigh of relief that Mary was still alive. Mary always responded to my voice and I could see a light in her eyes that were half open. I then asked if I could sit with Mary for a few minutes before I went off to work. Angela got up and when I sat down, I looked at Mary only to realise that she had died in the very moment that our attention was turned away from her. I placed my hand on her chest as I often did and felt no heart beat. I exclaimed “Mary has just died!” Angela tried her pulse and concurred. I then went round the other side of the bed and picked her up in my arms and held her, hugging and kissing her for about five minutes. She could not have weighed more that 80 pounds by the time she died. Angela and I then prepared Mary’s body with rose oil. For the last seven weeks of Mary’s life I had been in continual conflict with the nursing home advocating for Mary’s wish not to be forced onto subcutaneous hydromorphone. Mary wanted to be in control of her own pain relief, but nursing staff in Canada have taken control of end of life protocols depriving individuals of dying in the manner they want. Mary remained more or less oblivious to the continuous confrontations I faced with her nurses, doctor and the director of the nursing home. So when she finally died I wept with utter relief that my advocacy for Mary to die in the way that she had wanted actually had come to pass. I then brought Mary home and laid her out for three days and nights. At the beginning of the third day I invited Mary’s closest of friends to an open house and Susan Locey, the Christian Community priest who had been bringing Communion to Mary at home for the past four years of her life provided a ritual funeral in my home. There were just over twenty people present, most of Mary’s friends, but some of mine to support me. The funeral rite was very intense focusing on the rites of passage of the deceased to the spiritual world. We all stood for the thirty minute service. I explained we were gathered together to celebrate the Mystery of the Etheric, to acknowledge the principle of life that gave Mary form and agency as an individual. I also described how Russian Rituals at Time of Death understand the spirit of the deceased to preside over the body for the first three days and nights which translates into a Western perception of the continual growth of finger nails and (in men) facial hair. The funeral rite was an intense experience of warmth and healing, which I associate with the Grail.

Mary will have two memorial services, one in Canada and one in England. The one in Vancouver will be taken by Susan Locey at the Christian Community on 25 November 2017. The second shall be in Ely Cathedral at a later date taken by the Bishop of Worcester, Dr John Inge, a personal friend who worked with Mary when she ran the pastoral care programme at the Sue Ryder Home. Mary always wanted Howard Skempton to compose a new work for her on her death and was pleased to hear before she died that he would set Psalm 23 for her funeral at Ely Cathedral.

Some years ago I asked Mary to write her biography/obituary, so the text about her life is her own and all the more special for being so.

With Warmth! Elizabeth
 22 October 2017